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8:32 a.m. - 2005-02-21
Have you ever hit a rut in the road? Things seem to be going fantastically, then something comes up that just ruins it all.
So I've never really been comfortable with my body. I've had self-image issues for as long as I can remember. Not a lot of people know about it, and I don't intend to go in-depth about it on here. But I'm really scared, because I think a lot of it is coming back to me.
A couple nights ago, my papa decided that he wanted to talk to all of us about Diabetes. My older brother was home, which is rare, and dad figured it was a good time. So he goes on and on about the dangers of it, and how he came extremely close to contracting it, and so on so forth. He started talking about the importance of working out and eating a balanced diet. I figured he was doing this because of Jeannine. We're all very concerned about her weight (people with Downs tend to become dramatically overweight if their health is neglected). Instead, he stared right at me and started going off. He went on about how thin I was in high school and how I swam and ran and weight trained and didn't eat much of anything with a lot of fat in it. I wouldn't say that I'm overweight, but I did gain about 8 pounds after graduation. Not something I'm proud of, and something I've been working to remedy for a while, but being 5'8 and 152 pounds is not anything terribly unhealthy. But my dad apparently didn't think so.
My brothers are in pristine physical condition. Kevin swims every morning and works out in the afternoon. Brendan powerlifts at school and goes to the gym after football/golf practice. In the summer, they work out twice a day together. They are in the single digits for body fat percentage. Basically, like demigods. My dad has lost 90 pounds. He's still a bit overweight, but he'll work out at 11 o'clock at night if it's the only time he's able to go. My mom fits into a size 8 pants, and doctors marvel at the condition her heart is in. Jeannine isn't in top condition, but she's still as tiny as can be and swims everyday.
Then there's me.
I work 9 hours a day, come home, occasionally do Pilates or corny 80's workout videos, but spend most of my time hanging out with friends. Lately, with Lent in full swing, I've gotten down to 148 pounds and my size 10 pants are starting to fit a lot looser. I was really proud of myself and was gaining some confidence until my dad decided to shatter it. I know he didn't mean to, and I know that he loves me and blah blah blah...but still.
One of the counselors during my senior year summed it up best. He used to tell parents at meetings that boys can take anything, mostly. What their mom or dad says about them can pass over relatively quickly, and they forget it eventually. Not the same with girls. Especially when it comes to their fathers. One ill-timed comment, one remark that could be misconstrued as an insult will be indellibly marked in her head.
It sounds extreme...but right now, I feel like it's true. In any case, I'm going to the gym after work and from now on I will not:
- Eat anything after 6 pm
- Eat anything containing unnecessary fats or sugars
- Eat between meals (I've already been doing this for Lent, but I'm going to stop doing it for good)
- Go a day without working out
- Allow myself to slip out of these habits
I'm not going to starve myself. I'm not going to rekindle old problems. But I am going to prove my dad wrong. I am going to fit into my mom's clothes. I am going to be beautiful. I am going to be perfect. End of story.